Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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