Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Michael Bay diarrhea
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
