I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
