Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
