did you get engaged???
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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