just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
