last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Everything about him screamed your future.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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