I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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