Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
