Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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