you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
