walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
