Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize