apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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