well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
