beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
