do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
