Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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