im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize