i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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