Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
