Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
