Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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