my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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