another moral hangover. fuck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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