I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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