Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
