Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize