So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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