This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
