Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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