i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
