I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
