so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize