I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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