our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize