I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my being single is dangerous.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
