It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
