I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
