I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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