this boner is exhausting
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
