I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
