Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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