I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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