Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
