the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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