Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
