And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
