I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
