I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
