When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
