My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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