Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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