I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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