Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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